Chili Moron

(The nurse had already called and told me about the bus incident).

Eli:  Mommy this was the worst day ever.

Me:  What happened?

Eli:  Well I was on the bus telling "Mark" that I was happy Daddy was out of town because you would fix me pizza.

Eli:  And then he said that his mother makes the best chili and asked me if you cooked chili.

Eli:  I told him that you made it last week and you were the best cook.

Me:  Thank you.

Eli:  Then he said his mother could make better chili.  I told him you made better chili and spaghetti. 

Eli:  He said his mommy was a better cook than you and wouldn't stop talking about it.

Eli:  I called him a chili moron.  

Me:  This is a pretty heated discussion over chili.

Eli:  Then he got mad at me.  He had a sack lunch and it had an apple in the bottom of the bag and he used it to punch me in the face.

Me:  Wow. This was all over who cooked the best chili?  Well I am proud of you that you didn't hit him back.  You can't get kicked off another bus again.

Eli:  Oh I totally shoved him up against the wall Mommy.  They didn't see that part.

On the Sailboat with Daddy’s New Boss and His Wife

Eli:  Why aren't you wearing pants?

Mrs. Boss:  I have a bathing suit under my tunic.

Eli:  Mommy, she looks like she is just wearing panties.

Mrs. Boss:  Would you like something to drink?

Eli:  I need to drink out of a pirate cup.

Mrs. Boss:  I have a silver challis.

Eli:  It needs to be filled with rum.

Mr. Boss:  Eli do you like to sail?

Eli:  You need to make my Daddy the Manager.

Every Man's Fantasy

Eli:  Mommy do you know what my dream is?

Me:  Have no idea.

Eli:  I want to take a poop on the toilet and you rub my back while I eat a sandwich.

Me:  This will never, ever happen.

Sign Language

Me:  How was school?  Did you make any new friends?

Eli:  I made a new friend on the bus.  He showed me how to do this with my middle finger.

Me:  He showed you how to shoot a bird…lovely.

Eli:  He also said to say "Fut you" when you show people your middle finger.

Me:  Hummm, interesting.  It's not "Fut" and I am not telling you the correct word.

Eli:  I showed my middle finger to all my friends at school today.

Me:  No more "Futs", no more fingers.  Grown adults get in fist-fights over this because it the worst thing you can do or say.

Eli:  Really? Well my friend said he showed his finger and said "fut you" to the man who ran over his dog.

The Daycare Don

 Me:  How was the girl bully today?

Eli:  Fine.

Me:  Did y'all talk and work things out?

Eli:  No.

Me:  Then how did you work it out?

Eli:  Mommy, I have people working for me?

Me:  Um, what?

Eli:  I have people who do the work for me.  I don't have to do or say anything to her.  They do it for me.

Me:  This is not going to work little Godfather.

Eli:  My best worker failed first grade.

Me:  No.  You are going to stop these shenanigans right now.

Eli:  It's just a gang Mommy.

Eastern Shore Philosophy

Me:  Where are you going?

Eli:  Doing what a man has to do.

Me:  Okay – going to poop.

Eli:  It makes a man look angry.  But, he really isn't.  He is happy.

Me:  Okay Confucius, wipe your fanny this time.

Full Circle

Me:  Eli we are really going to work on that smart mouth of yours.

Eli:  This is the way I am.

Me:  Well things are going to change.

Eli:  Did I not come from you?

Me:  Yes.

Eli:  Looks like the only person you can be mad at is yourself since you created all of this.

Home Sweet Home

Eli:  I'm so excited to go home and play my new DS game.

Me:  That is exciting.

Eli:  Are you excited about going home Mommy?

Me:  Yes, I drank too much coffee and have to go to the bathroom.

Eli:  So you are excited to see your bagina?

Me:  VA-gina.

Liar Liar

Eli:  Mommy I have something to tell you.

Me:  Okay…

Eli:  I haven't wiped my butt since December.

Me:  Oh my gosh.  You have to wipe after you go poop.  You are going to get itchy butt.

Eli:  Nope.  Hasn't happened.

Me:  Well you are going to get stains in your underwear and be the boy who smells like poo at school.

Eli:  Nope.  Hasn't happened.

Me:  Okay…well you are going to get…worms…big fat worms.

                                                                                      Eli:  I better wipe my butt then.

Alimony

Eli:  Mommy I can't wait to be a teenager.

Me:  Let me enjoy you now.

Eli:  When I am a teenager I will have man hair and an ex-girlfriend.

Me:  Why will you have an ex-girlfriend?

Eli:  You don't keep them forever.

Number 44

Me:  You just got one answer wrong.

Eli:  He's not significant.

Me:  According to the paragraph you read, he is.

Eli:  Mommy it is not like he saved a life or anything.  Important people save lives.

Another Round

Eli:  I know all your secret passwords.

Me:  To my iPad and iPhone.

Eli:  The only one I don't know is to your gun safe.

Me:  Well you won't ever know that one.

Eli:  That's probably a good idea Mommy because when I turn 18 I'll get drunk.

Victoria's Secret and The La Leche League

Eli:  Mommy I like girls in bikinis.

Me:  Most men do.

Eli:  I like girls in really little bikinis.

Me:  Most men do.

Eli:  I like big boobs.

Me:  Men like different things.

Eli:  I think my wife should have big boobs so my baby won't starve.

Me:  We are having pork chops for dinner.  What do you think about that?

Happy Birthday to Me

Eli:  Mommy for your birthday, I am going to be nice to you all day.

Me:  Well that is one nice gift.

Eli:  I also promise not to ask about who is my "real" mother either.

Me:  You have seen the pictures of me with YOU in my belly.

Eli:  I won't talk about how your butt feels like a wet diaper.

Me:  Let's just go with being nice to me all day.

The Sound of Crickets

School:  Mrs. Kurtz this is the Principal and I have Eli in my office.

Me:  How may I help you?

School:  I witnessed Eli shove a kid against the wall and push him to the ground.

Me:  Okay…

School:  It seems the other boy was trying to kill a cricket and Eli didn't want him to do it.

Me:  I see. Is the other child okay?

School:  Yes.  Eli is crying because he is scared to come home.  You need to calm him down.

Me:  Well he should be.  Hand him the phone please.

Me: (on the with Eli) No dead cricket is worth sitting in the principal's office.  EVER.

Eli:  I know that now Mommy!

Sucker Punch

Eli:  Mommy I may have gotten in trouble on the bus.

Me:  Not the bus again!  What did you do?

Eli:  We were playing sucker punch and I got a kid's shoulder.

Me:  Did any of the other kids KNOW they were playing sucker punch?

Eli:  No.

Me:  That's called "assault".  Quit touching other kids!

Eli:  It was a surprise and that's how you win.

Me:  Go to your room.  Mommy has to mentally prepare for the school's sucker punch.

Getting Schooled

Eli:  Mommy where is my candy cane that was in the fridge?

Me:  Um, I thought it was old.

Eli:  You threw away my dessert that is delicious?

Me:  (Silence)

Eli:  For this you deserve a punishment.  You will remember your wrong ways.  You will learn your lesson.

Ashes to Ashes

Eli:  Mommy when you die, I will be sad but I will get over it.

Me:  Where is this coming from?

Eli:  I will love Dakota more than you.

Me:  Nice to know you will love the dog even more.

Eli:  I am going to sell your ashes.

Me:  You better pick out a pretty urn then.

Dog Treats

Me:  Eli you can't walk around the house without underwear or Dakota is going to bite your weenie off thinking it is a snack.

Eli:  Is that what happened to your Bahgina Mommy?

Me:  Ughhh, put your pants on and it is called a v-a-g-I-n-a.