Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Show Me the Money Part 2

Eli:  Mommy I still really want that sword.

Me: Um no again.

Eli:  I think I can get $100,000 for you.

Me: What?

Eli:  I can sell you to another family.  

Me:  What!

Eli:  You would only scream a little while and try to get out the door, but then you would get used to it.

Show Me the Money Part 1

Eli:  Mommy I want that sword from the junk store (antique place).

Me: Um no. If you want something you are going to have to work for it, plus you will stab me and/or the dog.

Eli:  Mommy, you are good at massages.  How much money would you charge?

Me:  Say 20 minutes would equal 20 dollars?

Eli:  Well then I would make 15 dollars and you would get 5.

Me:  Why would I get 5 when I am doing all the work?

Eli:  Mommy I came up with the idea, so the person who comes up with the idea makes all the money.

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Hanging Tough

Me:  Eli why are you wearing your leather jacket, skull shirt, Superman hat and Mardi-Gras beads right now?

Eli:  Mommy, if I look tough then the bullies won't mess with me anymore at my new school.

Me:  Let me see your tough face.  Yep, it's working. Mommy is about to show her tough face and she won't need a leather jacket at the school.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

To Have and to Hold

Me:  Eli, when we get home you are going straight to bed because it is past your bedtime.

Eli:  I want to go to the bookstore.

Daddy:  Eli, Mommy doesn't want to go to the bookstore and you are going to bed.

Eli:  You should have married that other woman.

Me:  What?

Eli:  Daddy should have married that other woman because she would have let me go to the bookstore.

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Mirror Mirror on the Wall

Me:  Eli what is this?

Eli:  That's me.

Me:  Well you have blond hair and in this picture you have snakes on your head.

Eli:  That's what I want to look like Mommy.  I know I am cuter in real life.

Me:  I'm sure they are now taking applications for a child psychologist at your school.

Monday, August 12, 2013

Bad boys bad boys watcha gonna do?

Eli:  This Cops TV show is good.

Me:  You really don't need to be watching this.

Eli:  I like it.

Me:  See why you need to keep your hands to yourself?

Eli:  Was it like this when you got arrested Mommy?

Me:  What?!

Eli:  I know you woman.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Sandman verses Paper Plate

Eli:  Daddy, we made a dreamcatcher today.

Daddy:  That's interesting.

Eli:  We need to go home right now and watch an R rated movie.

Daddy:  What son?

Eli:  Daddy I can watch R rated movies and the dreamcatcher will catch my nightmares for me.

Later that morning at 4:00 am…

Eli:  I had a nightmare and didn't even get to watch an R rated movie.  This dreamcatcher sucks.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Anatomy Lessons

Eli:  Mommy I have a man chest now and man nibbles.

Me:  What?

Eli:  I have man nibbles.

Me:  They are called "nipples".

Eli:  Will I have milk come out of my man nibbles?

Me:  What?  No.  Where do you get this stuff?

Eli:  Cows have milk come out of their cow nibbles.

Me:  Promise that men don't have milk come out of their nipples.

Friday, June 14, 2013

Pencil It In

Me:  Eli time to take a shower.

Eli:  I'm going to need you to wash my boodie.

Me:  No you can do it.

Eli:  There has been a lot of pooping but not a lot of wiping today Mommy.

Me:  You have to wipe every time Eli.

Eli:  I'm busy, okay?

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Digging for Gold

Eli:  Mommy I pulled the biggest booger out of my nose!

Me:  Get a tissue.

Eli:  No need, I put it in the carpet.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Dirty Digits

Eli:  Mommy, come in the bathroom now!  I peed on my monster finger and it is stuck on my real finger.  Come get it off my hand.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Sweet Dreams Little Chicken

Me:  Eli your teacher wrote in your notebook you were making weird noises in class?

Eli:  Yes Mommy, sometimes I make chicken noises while she is talking.

Me:  Quit clucking while she is talking.  Go sit in your time out chair.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Two Great Combinations

Eli:  Mommy come and rub my feet.

Me: I am not giving you a foot massage while you’re pooping on the toilet.

Eli:  But Mommy it would feel good to have a foot rub and poop at the same time.

Monday, February 11, 2013

See No Evil

Me:  What are you doing?

Eli:  I’m closing my eyes to get rid of my fears.

Me:  Is it working?

Eli:  Not yet, because you keep talking.

Friday, February 8, 2013

The Pickup Artist

Eli:  Mommy the teacher told us to draw something funny.

Me:  Show me what you did.

Eli:  It's a boy Christmas tree saying "Heeeeeeeey Lady" and then the girl Christmas tree is slapping him.

Monday, February 4, 2013

Faces of Death

Eli:  Mommy you got me in trouble today at school!

Me:  What did I do?

Eli:  You put these jeans on me this morning and they said I can't wear them at a Christian school.

Me:  Honey I thought I put all of your death/skeleton/pirate wear on the other side of the closet.

Eli:  Well you must have accidentally grabbed the wrong pants Mommy.

Me:  Will move your devil britches to the appropriate corner.

Friday, February 1, 2013

The Next Airbender

Doctor:  Well Eli has strep, double ear infection, and pneumonia in his left lung.

Eli:  Mommy we have to go now.  There is a puddle in the parking lot and I need to practice my "Airbender" moves.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

All in a Name

Eli:  Mommy I am going to start a rock band named Rotten Chocolate.

Me:  That's a cool name for a band.

Eli:  My name will be Kid Caramel.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Not for Fish Bait

Eli:  Wormy and Fluffy are going to play computer games with me.

Me:  Daddy will be in the backyard filling up the ten holes you dug up to find your new pets.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

The Sweet Taste of Honey

Eli:  Mommy, I have something to tell you.

Me:  Okay…

Eli:  I may have licked a bee's nest.

Me:  Huh?

Eli:  I was trying to get the honey out.

Me:  We don't have honeybees at the house.  You were licking a wasp nest.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Sick Pirate

Doctor:  Well Eli has strep, an ear infection and a 101 degree temperature.

Me:  Knew something was up when the teacher said he had his best day ever at school.

Monday, January 7, 2013

Never Stop Improving

Eli:  Mommy my head hurts and there is a scape on it.

Me:  You have carpet burn on your head.  Maybe next time you will listen to me when I tell you to quit running through the hanging carpets at Lowe's.