Thursday, November 29, 2012

New Kid on the Block

Me:  Well how was the first day at your new school?

Eli:  Lunch was awesome and then I met some bullies. They let me on their team and then kicked me off their team. The girls let me on their team.  I played with them.  They were really nice but kept telling me what to do all the time.

Me: Keep up the good work.  It will pay off in about 10 years.

Eli:  Mommy, I am sexy and I know it.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

V is for Victory and (sweater) Vest

Me:  Eli, you start your new school today!

Eli:  Then why do you have me in this way not cool outfit?

Me:  It's a private Christian school honey.  They aren't going to care if you are "cool".

Eli:  Mommy even people who love Jesus know better than to wear this sweater vest.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Speaking in Tongues

Eli:  Mommy I am going to cut a banana and spray some ants.

Me:  Make sure you flush the toilet and wash your hands when you are done.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

The Price of Admission

Me:  Eli, you are going to try out your new private school today.  You will be there for 3 hours.

Eli:  Mommy, I am so excited.

Me:  You can’t walk in there and sing "I'm sexy and I know it".  You also need to go to the bathroom if you need to pass gas.  Your farts seem to turn into poop these days.

Eli:  What if I dance like this?

Me:  No, they do not want to see you spank your fanny or do the sprinkler dance.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

SAT Scores

Eli:  Mommy, I know what 5 + 5 + 5 + 5 equals.

Me: What?

Eli:  20

Me:  You are one smart boy.  Wish I was so smart.

Eli:  Don't worry Mommy.  You aren't that smart.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

The Dark Night Returns

Daddy:  Eli, go to the bathroom before you go to bed.

Eli:  Daddy, I am scared of the dark.

Daddy:  Just turn on the light son.

Eli:  Daddy, are all kids scared of the dark?  Why yes they are.  Big kids aren't but they don't count. You better watch it buddy.  You will feel the pain of the dark.  It will creep in on you.

Monday, November 12, 2012

Someone Farted

Me:  Shocking, another note from your teacher.

Eli:  Yes, Mommy it has been a red day.

Me:  "Extremely inappropriate bodily functions behavior that was disrespectful to the class and to the teachers".

Eli:  I was saying "Someone farted and it was stinky".

Me:  I got a feeling you were just trying to be funny. Plus, you know she hates the word "fart".

Eli:  The teacher says I am the Class Clown and Mommy I am going to be the best Class Clown she has ever had.

Me:  I will inform her of your new found position when she calls again.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Pirate Begins with the Letter "P"

Eli:  Mommy today we had to write words that start with the letter "P".

Me:  Uh huh.

Eli:  I wrote down "Poop" and "Pee Pee".

Me:  Eli, you know I am just going to get a call from the teacher again for your inappropriate language.

Eli:  Mommy I totally forgot to write "Private Parts" and "Penis"!  

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Topless for Teacher

Me:  Eli, your homework is to draw any picture and write a sentence.

Eli:  I am going to draw a picture of you, me and Daddy at sunset.

15 minutes later…

Eli:  Look Mommy.

Me:  Wow just beautiful.  Why is my chest area abnormally large and I am not wearing a shirt?
(This is obvious from the gigantic nipples he has drawn on the stick figure boobs).

Eli:  That is so the teacher will know it is you.

Me:  Hummm…I do wear a shirt daily.  How about drawing a shirt on me?

Eli:  Okay Mommy.  You can pick the color and maybe the teacher will know it is you.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

World Domination


Eli:  Mommy I have decided when I grow up I don't want to be a Secret Asian Man. I am going to be President.

Me:  Hummm Mommy better take down her blog.

Monday, November 5, 2012

My Friend Bleach

Eli:  Mommy come in here.  I just pooped in the sink.

Me:  WHAT?  Why are you standing on the bathroom counter?

Eli:  Mommy, I just wanted to see what my booty hole looked like and was looking at it in in the mirror.

Me:  How did the poop get in the sink?

Eli:  I forgot to wipe and it fell out.

Me:  Wipe after you go potty and no more standing on the bathroom counter.  Use the full-length mirror if you insist on investigating your fanny.

Eli:  It's really cool Mommy.  Look.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

The Secret Life

Me:  The baby-sitter is coming and you need to take a bath and put on your pajamas.

Eli:  Mommy she CAN NOT know I wear a pull-up at night.  I must put on underwear after my bath.

Me:  Well you better go to the bedroom and get that night diaper out of the floor sitting there sunny side up.

Eli:  (Running upstairs and moving stuff around).

Me:  Well?

Eli:  It's all taken care of now Mommy.  The pull-up is hidden in the trashcan with a piece of paper on top of it.  She will only know me as the boy who wears underwear.

Friday, November 2, 2012

Trick or Treat

Eli:  Mommy it has been a red day and I still must be able to get candy tonight.

Me:  ?

Ei:  I had to go to the principal's office.
I got put in time out for playing super hero on the playground and then Joshua made fun of me for being in time out. I told him that I was going to come over to his house and slap him.

Me:  ?

Eli:  Then the teacher sent me to the principal's office. The principal said it was a saty vilations because I was threatening another student.

Me:  Ah yes, I see in the tri-copy official paperwork that you have violated someone's safety.  They consider this a verbal threat.  What are we going to do now? 

Eli:  I am really going to work on my new very dirty looks.  My eyes will say what I am thinking.  Then I will blow their minds.