Chili Moron

(The nurse had already called and told me about the bus incident).

Eli:  Mommy this was the worst day ever.

Me:  What happened?

Eli:  Well I was on the bus telling "Mark" that I was happy Daddy was out of town because you would fix me pizza.

Eli:  And then he said that his mother makes the best chili and asked me if you cooked chili.

Eli:  I told him that you made it last week and you were the best cook.

Me:  Thank you.

Eli:  Then he said his mother could make better chili.  I told him you made better chili and spaghetti. 

Eli:  He said his mommy was a better cook than you and wouldn't stop talking about it.

Eli:  I called him a chili moron.  

Me:  This is a pretty heated discussion over chili.

Eli:  Then he got mad at me.  He had a sack lunch and it had an apple in the bottom of the bag and he used it to punch me in the face.

Me:  Wow. This was all over who cooked the best chili?  Well I am proud of you that you didn't hit him back.  You can't get kicked off another bus again.

Eli:  Oh I totally shoved him up against the wall Mommy.  They didn't see that part.

On the Sailboat with Daddy’s New Boss and His Wife

Eli:  Why aren't you wearing pants?

Mrs. Boss:  I have a bathing suit under my tunic.

Eli:  Mommy, she looks like she is just wearing panties.

Mrs. Boss:  Would you like something to drink?

Eli:  I need to drink out of a pirate cup.

Mrs. Boss:  I have a silver challis.

Eli:  It needs to be filled with rum.

Mr. Boss:  Eli do you like to sail?

Eli:  You need to make my Daddy the Manager.

Every Man's Fantasy

Eli:  Mommy do you know what my dream is?

Me:  Have no idea.

Eli:  I want to take a poop on the toilet and you rub my back while I eat a sandwich.

Me:  This will never, ever happen.

Sign Language

Me:  How was school?  Did you make any new friends?

Eli:  I made a new friend on the bus.  He showed me how to do this with my middle finger.

Me:  He showed you how to shoot a bird…lovely.

Eli:  He also said to say "Fut you" when you show people your middle finger.

Me:  Hummm, interesting.  It's not "Fut" and I am not telling you the correct word.

Eli:  I showed my middle finger to all my friends at school today.

Me:  No more "Futs", no more fingers.  Grown adults get in fist-fights over this because it the worst thing you can do or say.

Eli:  Really? Well my friend said he showed his finger and said "fut you" to the man who ran over his dog.

The Daycare Don

 Me:  How was the girl bully today?

Eli:  Fine.

Me:  Did y'all talk and work things out?

Eli:  No.

Me:  Then how did you work it out?

Eli:  Mommy, I have people working for me?

Me:  Um, what?

Eli:  I have people who do the work for me.  I don't have to do or say anything to her.  They do it for me.

Me:  This is not going to work little Godfather.

Eli:  My best worker failed first grade.

Me:  No.  You are going to stop these shenanigans right now.

Eli:  It's just a gang Mommy.

Eastern Shore Philosophy

Me:  Where are you going?

Eli:  Doing what a man has to do.

Me:  Okay – going to poop.

Eli:  It makes a man look angry.  But, he really isn't.  He is happy.

Me:  Okay Confucius, wipe your fanny this time.

Full Circle

Me:  Eli we are really going to work on that smart mouth of yours.

Eli:  This is the way I am.

Me:  Well things are going to change.

Eli:  Did I not come from you?

Me:  Yes.

Eli:  Looks like the only person you can be mad at is yourself since you created all of this.