Alimony

Eli:  Mommy I can't wait to be a teenager.

Me:  Let me enjoy you now.

Eli:  When I am a teenager I will have man hair and an ex-girlfriend.

Me:  Why will you have an ex-girlfriend?

Eli:  You don't keep them forever.

Number 44

Me:  You just got one answer wrong.

Eli:  He's not significant.

Me:  According to the paragraph you read, he is.

Eli:  Mommy it is not like he saved a life or anything.  Important people save lives.

Another Round

Eli:  I know all your secret passwords.

Me:  To my iPad and iPhone.

Eli:  The only one I don't know is to your gun safe.

Me:  Well you won't ever know that one.

Eli:  That's probably a good idea Mommy because when I turn 18 I'll get drunk.

Victoria's Secret and The La Leche League

Eli:  Mommy I like girls in bikinis.

Me:  Most men do.

Eli:  I like girls in really little bikinis.

Me:  Most men do.

Eli:  I like big boobs.

Me:  Men like different things.

Eli:  I think my wife should have big boobs so my baby won't starve.

Me:  We are having pork chops for dinner.  What do you think about that?

Happy Birthday to Me

Eli:  Mommy for your birthday, I am going to be nice to you all day.

Me:  Well that is one nice gift.

Eli:  I also promise not to ask about who is my "real" mother either.

Me:  You have seen the pictures of me with YOU in my belly.

Eli:  I won't talk about how your butt feels like a wet diaper.

Me:  Let's just go with being nice to me all day.

The Sound of Crickets

School:  Mrs. Kurtz this is the Principal and I have Eli in my office.

Me:  How may I help you?

School:  I witnessed Eli shove a kid against the wall and push him to the ground.

Me:  Okay…

School:  It seems the other boy was trying to kill a cricket and Eli didn't want him to do it.

Me:  I see. Is the other child okay?

School:  Yes.  Eli is crying because he is scared to come home.  You need to calm him down.

Me:  Well he should be.  Hand him the phone please.

Me: (on the with Eli) No dead cricket is worth sitting in the principal's office.  EVER.

Eli:  I know that now Mommy!

Sucker Punch

Eli:  Mommy I may have gotten in trouble on the bus.

Me:  Not the bus again!  What did you do?

Eli:  We were playing sucker punch and I got a kid's shoulder.

Me:  Did any of the other kids KNOW they were playing sucker punch?

Eli:  No.

Me:  That's called "assault".  Quit touching other kids!

Eli:  It was a surprise and that's how you win.

Me:  Go to your room.  Mommy has to mentally prepare for the school's sucker punch.