Victoria's Secret and The La Leche League

Eli:  Mommy I like girls in bikinis.

Me:  Most men do.

Eli:  I like girls in really little bikinis.

Me:  Most men do.

Eli:  I like big boobs.

Me:  Men like different things.

Eli:  I think my wife should have big boobs so my baby won't starve.

Me:  We are having pork chops for dinner.  What do you think about that?

Happy Birthday to Me

Eli:  Mommy for your birthday, I am going to be nice to you all day.

Me:  Well that is one nice gift.

Eli:  I also promise not to ask about who is my "real" mother either.

Me:  You have seen the pictures of me with YOU in my belly.

Eli:  I won't talk about how your butt feels like a wet diaper.

Me:  Let's just go with being nice to me all day.

The Sound of Crickets

School:  Mrs. Kurtz this is the Principal and I have Eli in my office.

Me:  How may I help you?

School:  I witnessed Eli shove a kid against the wall and push him to the ground.

Me:  Okay…

School:  It seems the other boy was trying to kill a cricket and Eli didn't want him to do it.

Me:  I see. Is the other child okay?

School:  Yes.  Eli is crying because he is scared to come home.  You need to calm him down.

Me:  Well he should be.  Hand him the phone please.

Me: (on the with Eli) No dead cricket is worth sitting in the principal's office.  EVER.

Eli:  I know that now Mommy!

Sucker Punch

Eli:  Mommy I may have gotten in trouble on the bus.

Me:  Not the bus again!  What did you do?

Eli:  We were playing sucker punch and I got a kid's shoulder.

Me:  Did any of the other kids KNOW they were playing sucker punch?

Eli:  No.

Me:  That's called "assault".  Quit touching other kids!

Eli:  It was a surprise and that's how you win.

Me:  Go to your room.  Mommy has to mentally prepare for the school's sucker punch.

Getting Schooled

Eli:  Mommy where is my candy cane that was in the fridge?

Me:  Um, I thought it was old.

Eli:  You threw away my dessert that is delicious?

Me:  (Silence)

Eli:  For this you deserve a punishment.  You will remember your wrong ways.  You will learn your lesson.

Ashes to Ashes

Eli:  Mommy when you die, I will be sad but I will get over it.

Me:  Where is this coming from?

Eli:  I will love Dakota more than you.

Me:  Nice to know you will love the dog even more.

Eli:  I am going to sell your ashes.

Me:  You better pick out a pretty urn then.

Dog Treats

Me:  Eli you can't walk around the house without underwear or Dakota is going to bite your weenie off thinking it is a snack.

Eli:  Is that what happened to your Bahgina Mommy?

Me:  Ughhh, put your pants on and it is called a v-a-g-I-n-a.