Home Sweet Home

Eli:  I'm so excited to go home and play my new DS game.

Me:  That is exciting.

Eli:  Are you excited about going home Mommy?

Me:  Yes, I drank too much coffee and have to go to the bathroom.

Eli:  So you are excited to see your bagina?

Me:  VA-gina.

Liar Liar

Eli:  Mommy I have something to tell you.

Me:  Okay…

Eli:  I haven't wiped my butt since December.

Me:  Oh my gosh.  You have to wipe after you go poop.  You are going to get itchy butt.

Eli:  Nope.  Hasn't happened.

Me:  Well you are going to get stains in your underwear and be the boy who smells like poo at school.

Eli:  Nope.  Hasn't happened.

Me:  Okay…well you are going to get…worms…big fat worms.

                                                                                      Eli:  I better wipe my butt then.

Alimony

Eli:  Mommy I can't wait to be a teenager.

Me:  Let me enjoy you now.

Eli:  When I am a teenager I will have man hair and an ex-girlfriend.

Me:  Why will you have an ex-girlfriend?

Eli:  You don't keep them forever.

Number 44

Me:  You just got one answer wrong.

Eli:  He's not significant.

Me:  According to the paragraph you read, he is.

Eli:  Mommy it is not like he saved a life or anything.  Important people save lives.

Another Round

Eli:  I know all your secret passwords.

Me:  To my iPad and iPhone.

Eli:  The only one I don't know is to your gun safe.

Me:  Well you won't ever know that one.

Eli:  That's probably a good idea Mommy because when I turn 18 I'll get drunk.

Victoria's Secret and The La Leche League

Eli:  Mommy I like girls in bikinis.

Me:  Most men do.

Eli:  I like girls in really little bikinis.

Me:  Most men do.

Eli:  I like big boobs.

Me:  Men like different things.

Eli:  I think my wife should have big boobs so my baby won't starve.

Me:  We are having pork chops for dinner.  What do you think about that?

Happy Birthday to Me

Eli:  Mommy for your birthday, I am going to be nice to you all day.

Me:  Well that is one nice gift.

Eli:  I also promise not to ask about who is my "real" mother either.

Me:  You have seen the pictures of me with YOU in my belly.

Eli:  I won't talk about how your butt feels like a wet diaper.

Me:  Let's just go with being nice to me all day.