Being Boss

Eli:  Mommy, I have some good news and bad news this morning.

Me:  Okay…

Eli:  The good news is I got myself dressed super fast.  When Daddy came in the room, he thought I was still asleep.  I jumped out of the bed and yelled, “Who’s the boss now!”

Me:  Great news.

Eli:  And, now the bad news.  

Me:  Yes, this is the part I have been waiting for.

Eli:  Well I didn’t want Daddy to see me so I peed in the trashcan.

Me:  What?

Eli:  He would see me if I ran to the bathroom so I just peed in the trashcan behind my door.

Me:  You lost your boss status.

That is so Granny Panties

Me:  Got a call from your teacher today.

Eli:  Oh I know.

Me:  You want to explain this one to me?

Eli:  Well these other two kids were telling me they had two couches and a gumball machine in their classroom.  It sounded so cool Mommy.  

Me:  Uh – huh

Eli:  And when they asked me about my classroom I said, "It's just a granny panties classroom." She heard me.

Me:  Yes she was offended and said she didn't want her classroom to be described as "Granny Panties".

Eli:  Well it is just plain boring.

Me:  Apologize so we can make it through this school year.

Back to You

Me:  Eli, I got you some new clothes.  Wear this for picture day.

Eli:  Nice, Mommy.  I can't decide if I want to be a business man or a TV Anchor.

Me:  Well the jacket does look professional.

Eli:  I need a microphone please.

Me:  I'm ready.

Eli:  In today's news there will be no snow because it is Spring.  A baby was killed by a teenager.  Back to you.

Me:  What?

Eli:  That is all they talk about on the news, Mommy.  It is about the weather and then tons of bad stuff.

Chili Moron

(The nurse had already called and told me about the bus incident).

Eli:  Mommy this was the worst day ever.

Me:  What happened?

Eli:  Well I was on the bus telling "Mark" that I was happy Daddy was out of town because you would fix me pizza.

Eli:  And then he said that his mother makes the best chili and asked me if you cooked chili.

Eli:  I told him that you made it last week and you were the best cook.

Me:  Thank you.

Eli:  Then he said his mother could make better chili.  I told him you made better chili and spaghetti. 

Eli:  He said his mommy was a better cook than you and wouldn't stop talking about it.

Eli:  I called him a chili moron.  

Me:  This is a pretty heated discussion over chili.

Eli:  Then he got mad at me.  He had a sack lunch and it had an apple in the bottom of the bag and he used it to punch me in the face.

Me:  Wow. This was all over who cooked the best chili?  Well I am proud of you that you didn't hit him back.  You can't get kicked off another bus again.

Eli:  Oh I totally shoved him up against the wall Mommy.  They didn't see that part.

On the Sailboat with Daddy’s New Boss and His Wife

Eli:  Why aren't you wearing pants?

Mrs. Boss:  I have a bathing suit under my tunic.

Eli:  Mommy, she looks like she is just wearing panties.

Mrs. Boss:  Would you like something to drink?

Eli:  I need to drink out of a pirate cup.

Mrs. Boss:  I have a silver challis.

Eli:  It needs to be filled with rum.

Mr. Boss:  Eli do you like to sail?

Eli:  You need to make my Daddy the Manager.

Every Man's Fantasy

Eli:  Mommy do you know what my dream is?

Me:  Have no idea.

Eli:  I want to take a poop on the toilet and you rub my back while I eat a sandwich.

Me:  This will never, ever happen.

Sign Language

Me:  How was school?  Did you make any new friends?

Eli:  I made a new friend on the bus.  He showed me how to do this with my middle finger.

Me:  He showed you how to shoot a bird…lovely.

Eli:  He also said to say "Fut you" when you show people your middle finger.

Me:  Hummm, interesting.  It's not "Fut" and I am not telling you the correct word.

Eli:  I showed my middle finger to all my friends at school today.

Me:  No more "Futs", no more fingers.  Grown adults get in fist-fights over this because it the worst thing you can do or say.

Eli:  Really? Well my friend said he showed his finger and said "fut you" to the man who ran over his dog.