The Daycare Don

 Me:  How was the girl bully today?

Eli:  Fine.

Me:  Did y'all talk and work things out?

Eli:  No.

Me:  Then how did you work it out?

Eli:  Mommy, I have people working for me?

Me:  Um, what?

Eli:  I have people who do the work for me.  I don't have to do or say anything to her.  They do it for me.

Me:  This is not going to work little Godfather.

Eli:  My best worker failed first grade.

Me:  No.  You are going to stop these shenanigans right now.

Eli:  It's just a gang Mommy.

Eastern Shore Philosophy

Me:  Where are you going?

Eli:  Doing what a man has to do.

Me:  Okay – going to poop.

Eli:  It makes a man look angry.  But, he really isn't.  He is happy.

Me:  Okay Confucius, wipe your fanny this time.

Full Circle

Me:  Eli we are really going to work on that smart mouth of yours.

Eli:  This is the way I am.

Me:  Well things are going to change.

Eli:  Did I not come from you?

Me:  Yes.

Eli:  Looks like the only person you can be mad at is yourself since you created all of this.

Home Sweet Home

Eli:  I'm so excited to go home and play my new DS game.

Me:  That is exciting.

Eli:  Are you excited about going home Mommy?

Me:  Yes, I drank too much coffee and have to go to the bathroom.

Eli:  So you are excited to see your bagina?

Me:  VA-gina.

Liar Liar

Eli:  Mommy I have something to tell you.

Me:  Okay…

Eli:  I haven't wiped my butt since December.

Me:  Oh my gosh.  You have to wipe after you go poop.  You are going to get itchy butt.

Eli:  Nope.  Hasn't happened.

Me:  Well you are going to get stains in your underwear and be the boy who smells like poo at school.

Eli:  Nope.  Hasn't happened.

Me:  Okay…well you are going to get…worms…big fat worms.

                                                                                      Eli:  I better wipe my butt then.

Alimony

Eli:  Mommy I can't wait to be a teenager.

Me:  Let me enjoy you now.

Eli:  When I am a teenager I will have man hair and an ex-girlfriend.

Me:  Why will you have an ex-girlfriend?

Eli:  You don't keep them forever.

Number 44

Me:  You just got one answer wrong.

Eli:  He's not significant.

Me:  According to the paragraph you read, he is.

Eli:  Mommy it is not like he saved a life or anything.  Important people save lives.