Sucker Punch

Eli:  Mommy I may have gotten in trouble on the bus.

Me:  Not the bus again!  What did you do?

Eli:  We were playing sucker punch and I got a kid's shoulder.

Me:  Did any of the other kids KNOW they were playing sucker punch?

Eli:  No.

Me:  That's called "assault".  Quit touching other kids!

Eli:  It was a surprise and that's how you win.

Me:  Go to your room.  Mommy has to mentally prepare for the school's sucker punch.

Getting Schooled

Eli:  Mommy where is my candy cane that was in the fridge?

Me:  Um, I thought it was old.

Eli:  You threw away my dessert that is delicious?

Me:  (Silence)

Eli:  For this you deserve a punishment.  You will remember your wrong ways.  You will learn your lesson.

Ashes to Ashes

Eli:  Mommy when you die, I will be sad but I will get over it.

Me:  Where is this coming from?

Eli:  I will love Dakota more than you.

Me:  Nice to know you will love the dog even more.

Eli:  I am going to sell your ashes.

Me:  You better pick out a pretty urn then.

Dog Treats

Me:  Eli you can't walk around the house without underwear or Dakota is going to bite your weenie off thinking it is a snack.

Eli:  Is that what happened to your Bahgina Mommy?

Me:  Ughhh, put your pants on and it is called a v-a-g-I-n-a.

Show Me the Money Part 2

Eli:  Mommy I still really want that sword.

Me: Um no again.

Eli:  I think I can get $100,000 for you.

Me: What?

Eli:  I can sell you to another family.  

Me:  What!

Eli:  You would only scream a little while and try to get out the door, but then you would get used to it.

Show Me the Money Part 1

Eli:  Mommy I want that sword from the junk store (antique place).

Me: Um no. If you want something you are going to have to work for it, plus you will stab me and/or the dog.

Eli:  Mommy, you are good at massages.  How much money would you charge?

Me:  Say 20 minutes would equal 20 dollars?

Eli:  Well then I would make 15 dollars and you would get 5.

Me:  Why would I get 5 when I am doing all the work?

Eli:  Mommy I came up with the idea, so the person who comes up with the idea makes all the money.

Hanging Tough

Me:  Eli why are you wearing your leather jacket, skull shirt, Superman hat and Mardi-Gras beads right now?

Eli:  Mommy, if I look tough then the bullies won't mess with me anymore at my new school.

Me:  Let me see your tough face.  Yep, it's working. Mommy is about to show her tough face and she won't need a leather jacket at the school.