Show Me the Money Part 2

Eli:  Mommy I still really want that sword.

Me: Um no again.

Eli:  I think I can get $100,000 for you.

Me: What?

Eli:  I can sell you to another family.  

Me:  What!

Eli:  You would only scream a little while and try to get out the door, but then you would get used to it.

Show Me the Money Part 1

Eli:  Mommy I want that sword from the junk store (antique place).

Me: Um no. If you want something you are going to have to work for it, plus you will stab me and/or the dog.

Eli:  Mommy, you are good at massages.  How much money would you charge?

Me:  Say 20 minutes would equal 20 dollars?

Eli:  Well then I would make 15 dollars and you would get 5.

Me:  Why would I get 5 when I am doing all the work?

Eli:  Mommy I came up with the idea, so the person who comes up with the idea makes all the money.

Hanging Tough

Me:  Eli why are you wearing your leather jacket, skull shirt, Superman hat and Mardi-Gras beads right now?

Eli:  Mommy, if I look tough then the bullies won't mess with me anymore at my new school.

Me:  Let me see your tough face.  Yep, it's working. Mommy is about to show her tough face and she won't need a leather jacket at the school.

To Have and to Hold

Me:  Eli, when we get home you are going straight to bed because it is past your bedtime.

Eli:  I want to go to the bookstore.

Daddy:  Eli, Mommy doesn't want to go to the bookstore and you are going to bed.

Eli:  You should have married that other woman.

Me:  What?

Eli:  Daddy should have married that other woman because she would have let me go to the bookstore.

Mirror Mirror on the Wall

Me:  Eli what is this?

Eli:  That's me.

Me:  Well you have blond hair and in this picture you have snakes on your head.

Eli:  That's what I want to look like Mommy.  I know I am cuter in real life.

Me:  I'm sure they are now taking applications for a child psychologist at your school.

Bad boys bad boys watcha gonna do?

Eli:  This Cops TV show is good.

Me:  You really don't need to be watching this.

Eli:  I like it.

Me:  See why you need to keep your hands to yourself?

Eli:  Was it like this when you got arrested Mommy?

Me:  What?!

Eli:  I know you woman.

Sandman verses Paper Plate

Eli:  Daddy, we made a dreamcatcher today.

Daddy:  That's interesting.

Eli:  We need to go home right now and watch an R rated movie.

Daddy:  What son?

Eli:  Daddy I can watch R rated movies and the dreamcatcher will catch my nightmares for me.

Later that morning at 4:00 am…

Eli:  I had a nightmare and didn't even get to watch an R rated movie.  This dreamcatcher sucks.